Fantasy Feature No. 25

If you were tall, you’d easily reach for things on high shelves. Your old man would ask you to do this on a daily basis, kissing you thanks afterwards. He’d feel so lucky for having such a tall bed partner. After all, you saved him the trouble of having to clear all the sweaters, coats, and pants hanging on the stepstool, from having to move the stepstool to another place, and from having to climb to the object in need—only to fall after missing a step. If you were tall, you’d swing higher than short people. (Evidence of this was witnessed firsthand in Santa Monica last Christmas.) If you were tall, you wouldn’t be invisible. If you walked your tall self up to microphones at poetry readings, you’d twist the little lever that makes the microphone stand stretch up to meet you. The audience admires that you do this. The next poet to use the microphone must use the lever to decrease the stand, for shame. Being tall is very sexual because you have more body to cover. Your old man would look up to you and he would stand on his tippy toes to peck your chin, which you lower. If you were tall, you wouldn’t have to wear heels, which is like foot binding anyway.