Fantasy Feature No. 2

You were the only schmo in your row who had to place your 3-D glasses over your real spectacles. If you didn't wear glasses, you would be a nerd only by proxy. You wouldn't fog over when coming in from the cold. You would ride mechanical bulls and play basketball. Someone would punch you without thinking twice. If you had perfect vision, you would see things like street signs, hibiscus. You could wear headbands. No one would look at you funny, the way they look at you funny when you take off your glasses, as if they were seeing your face for the first time, as if they were learning what it was all about. They say, "Why don't you wear contacts?" as if it were that simple, as if sticking plastic discs onto your eyeballs were somewhat easy and enjoyable. You remember the time you tried to wear contacts? You were also quitting smoking that week and the practice contacts were somehow ripped to shreds and found stuck to the bottom of your favorite kidney-shaped ashtray. They tear easy don't they. When you were in Paris, you went to a fancy spectacle shop and was really having fun with the rather artful glasses until you realized how depressing it was and after you asked for a lunch recommendation, you high-tailed it to a fancy underwear shop.